“The world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place.” Casting Crowns
Did I have any inkling of this 15 years ago at the end of a 20 year marriage? If I did, the inkling was overwhelmed by the grief. But now it all makes perfect sense. Sometimes it’s hard to trust the timing, but God is listening, working with us, and has wonderful surprises in store for us.
Angel armies guard the grieving
weeping for their sons and daughters.
How long do we wait for love to prevail?
For thirteen years he prayed
For his father to accept him
and not despise the way he loves.
He reached past the harsh words
and called again on Father’s Day.
Perhaps the prayers had made their way
Into his father’s heart
or maybe Orlando’s anguish
released the simple question,
“How’s your fella doin?”
Melting the wall of sadness and
Confessing a father’s love
While there’s still time.
To read about Orlando’s angels who guard mourners from protesters, click below:
Our Stream of Consciousness prompt for today is “bone.”
Lots of things pop into my head.
My husband calls his dogs “bone heads.” I don’t really like this, but I accept it, because I know it has something to do with not wanting to be so attached to them. Too late, he already is. He loves 14 year old Beep almost as much as he loves me. Almost. And I understand.
But I don’t want to write about dogs all the time.
I could write about the slight increase in my bone density since I finally, after two years, gave in to my doctor’s recommendation to take some kind of medication for my osteoporosis. Call it denial, but I don’t take it every single month, and I’m not going to do that yearly IV thing, but even with taking it some months when I remember it, and have time to deal with the side effect of temporary body aches, which may or may not manifest, there has actually been a slight increase in my bone density since I started taking it.
But what is on my mind most today, that I can’t deny, is the bone chilling, sick in my stomach feeling I got when I learned about the horrible shooting, the massacre, in Charleston where nine human beings were murdered after the shooter sat with them for an hour during Bible study. Like most of people, I’m still processing this.
I’m reading about how the relatives of those murdered talked about forgiveness at the first hearing. I’m so amazed and grateful for their statements: “Alana Simmons, the grand daughter of victim the Rev. Daniel Simmons, 74, pleaded that the court ensure “hate won’t win.” “ I’m wondering why the next court date isn’t until October. I’m wondering why the father gave this 21 year old, who must have shown signs of not being right in the head, why his father gave him a HAND GUN for his birthday.
I don’t “watch” the news much, as many of you know, but this is different. I need to try to understand this thing that is not really understandable. I’ve seen some things questioning the issue of the shooter’s mental illness, whether that should be an issue at all. I remember when what’s his name (I’m not going to even look him up, so as not to give him attention) tried to kill President Regan. I remember something about “not guilty due to reason of insanity.” I don’t even remember if that was the verdict, but ever since then, I’ve been frustrated with that whole idea.
If some one did something, he or she is guilty. I think it should be changed to “guilty and insane.” In my opinion, anyone who kills innocent people at a church Bible study is insane. A diagnosis of insanity would not make him not guilty. He’s still guilty. Maybe, the insane part could influence the sentencing. I don’t know. But it should never let someone off the hook. And I’m a liberal! Most of the time….
Okay, I’m sorry for ranting a little. No I’m not. I’m grieving. Grieving about old bone head dogs, old bones in my body, and mostly about innocent people being killed at Bible study, in a city much like my own.
Learn more about these people here: http://edition.cnn.com/2015/06/18/us/charleston-church-shooting-victims/index.html?sr=cnnifb
To join Linda Hill’s Stream of Consciousness Saturday prompt and post, visit:
Here are the rules:
1. Your post must be stream of consciousness writing, meaning no editing, (typos can be fixed) and minimal planning on what you’re going to write.
2. Your post can be as long or as short as you want it to be. One sentence – one thousand words. Fact, fiction, poetry – it doesn’t matter. Just let the words carry you along until you’re ready to stop.
3. There will be a prompt every week. I will post the prompt here on my blog on Friday, along with a reminder for you to join in. The prompt will be one random thing, but it will not be a subject. For instance, I will not say “Write about dogs”; the prompt will be more like, “Make your first sentence a question,” or “Begin with the word ‘The’.”
4. Ping back! It’s important, so that I and other people can come and read your post! For example, in your post you can write “This post is part of SoCS:” and then copy and paste the URL found in your address bar at the top of this post into yours. Your link will show up in my comments, for everyone to see. The most recent pingbacks will be found at the top.
5. Read at least one other person’s blog who has linked back their post. Even better, read everyone’s! If you’re the first person to link back, you can check back later, or go to the previous week, by following my category, “Stream of Consciousness Saturday,” which you’ll find right below the “Like” button on my post.
6. Copy and paste the rules (if you’d like to) in your post. The more people who join in, the more new bloggers you’ll meet and the bigger your community will get!
7. Have fun!
“How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me?
How long shall I have perplexity in my mind and grief in my heart, day after day? How long shall my enemy triumph over me?
Look upon me and answer me, O Lord my God. Give light to my eyes, lest I sleep in death.
Lest my enemy say, “I have prevailed over him.” and my foes rejoice that I have fallen.
But I put my trust in your mercy; my heart is joyful because of your saving help.
I will sing to the Lord, for he has dealt with me richly. I will praise the Name of the Lord Most High.”
This psalm takes me back to the grief…the pain of separation after being married for 20 years, followed by an unexpected divorce. I believed that my husband and I would grow old together, that when the kids were grown, we would travel across country in an RV like my parents did.
The grief was most intense on August 18th, the anniversary of my first marriage – the one I believed would last until death parted us. I could not understand how God could have let this happen. I felt deserted and confused.
Even I didn’t know what a wreck I was after the divorce, until I woke up from the nightmare of a sick rebound relationship.
In the years that followed, I wondered what was wrong with me, that I couldn’t find anyone right for me to date, let alone, marry. It seemed like I was alone for a long time, but in retrospect, it wasn’t that long, and I was never alone.
God was with me the whole time. My guardian angel walked beside me, shaking her head in exasperation. And Jesus, the Good Shepherd, was always there, lighting the path of love, that led back to the fold.
Jeremiah 29:11 was my life preserver.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give your hope and a future.”
Maybe God wanted me to be single so I could accomplish more, because relationships do take time and effort, even the good ones. And the unhealthy relationships, well, they can be insanely distracting, taking us way off course…
(Or maybe not off course, but learning what we need to change to be ready for the gift.)
What I know now is that I had to work on me, and be a better parent, and draw closer to God. I had to love myself and do what was right for me as a single person. I kept going to the church where I felt accepted and cherished. I kept working and learning, singing and enjoying creation. I kept putting one foot in front of the other, loving the family and friends who walked beside me.
And God did have a plan!
Now, August 18th is just another summer day with the love of my life. God has dealt with me richly, with many blessings, including bringing my soul mate to me when the time was perfect.
In times of uncertainty, I must remember God’s mercy and let my heart be joyful!
The song below, by Laura Story, reminds me of the darkness and grief I felt when my 20 year marriage ended. That was about 13 years ago. I wanted to die, but I had to live for my kids…and for the possibility that time would heal my pain.
God does not want us to suffer. But God can turn our misery into miracles. Sometimes the most wonderful miracles grow out of our deepest despair, when the time is right – when we’ve learned what we need to learn to be ready for the blessings. (See “About Me,” for example.)
Blessings are being prepared for you!