When I Stopped Looking, Love Found Me

Today’s prompt for Just Jot it January is, “Looking.” Thanks, for the prompt, Di. And thanks to our host, Linda Hill, for keeping the January Jotting going!

The first thing that came to mind was when I decided to stop looking for my soul mate. It was the year 2011, in January. What if it was January 20? That would be a hoot. I’d been married for 20 years and divorced for about 10. There were two unhealthy, stressful relationships followed by five years of unplanned celibacy when I wondered why no one interesting was interested in me. I had described to God what I was looking for, but it wasn’t happening.

The on-line dating scene was not working at all, and neither was going to community events where I hoped to find someone with common interests. But maybe the community events were working in the sense that I was going for me and reclaiming my interests as well as meeting new friends with common interests.

So, in January of 2011, I was looking at some on-line dating site and got disgusted with shallow, adolescent minded men my age looking for younger women. I tried to be cynical, but that only worked sometimes. I promised myself that I would stop looking, especially online, until my daughter graduated from high school in June. Then maybe I’d have some adventures of my own.

The two of us took a mother-daughter trip by train to my hometown of Washington DC. We stayed with friends, rode the subway and went to museums. My daughter graduated on the first Saturday in June. On the Monday after that, I found a Facebook message from my long-lost high school sweetheart. It had been 39 years since we’d had any contact. He’d been living in New England all that time and was working as a fire fighter/EMT. More importantly, he had three dogs! Must love dogs was on the top of my soulmate list!

Well, to fast forward, we got married on December 1, 2012. (We thought about 12/12/12, but that was a Wednesday.) Want to read the whole story? Click on my book cover for Trust the Timing, on the right side bar above.

1972

2011 Second First Date

December 1, 2012

Must Love Dogs

2016

2018

For more Just Jot January posts, go looking at Linda’s blog HERE.

One-Liner Wednesday: It’s a Gray Area

My daughter just turned 26. Sometimes she’s more available by text. I texted her about my yoga class at the senior center.

Daughter: Lol why do you go the the senior center? Are you ACTUALLY considered a senior now?

Me: (My friend from high school) got me to sign up with her. The senior center is for people 55 and older. I’m 63.

Daughter: At what age are people considered seniors?

Me: It’s a gray area. Lol.

Daughter: LOL that’s a good one.

We have some good conversations via text. But I still prefer to see her in person so I can kiss her cheek.

…

For more info on One Liner Wednesday, (and more one-liners) visit:

https://lindaghill.com/2019/06/05/one-liner-wednesday-coffee/

 

Let Her Be

Let her be.

Let her be free.

Let her be better but only if she wants to be

However she wants to be.

Let her be herself.

Let her be a bee, buzzing around the backyard.

Let her be quiet watching the stillness of breath.

Let her breathe. Yes, breathe!

Let her be beautiful and brash.

Let her be whoever she wants to be.

Let her become who she was always meant to be.

Let her love who she wants to love.

Let her walk her own path with all the bumps and bruises

Let her become. Let her heal. Let her grow strong.

Let her be.

BBBBBBBBBBBBBB

(This started out being about me, but then, I think it became about my daughter.)

Today’s Stream of Consciousness Saturday prompt was, “letter.”

For more Streams of Consciousness, visit Linda Hill at

2018/05/04/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-may-5-18/

Here are the rules:

1. Your post must be stream of consciousness writing, meaning no editing, (typos can be fixed) and minimal planning on what you’re going to write.

2. Your post can be as long or as short as you want it to be. One sentence – one thousand words. Fact, fiction, poetry – it doesn’t matter. Just let the words carry you along until you’re ready to stop.

3. There will be a prompt every week. I will post the prompt here on my blog on Friday, along with a reminder for you to join in. The prompt will be one random thing, but it will not be a subject. For instance, I will not say “Write about dogs”; the prompt will be more like, “Make your first sentence a question,” “Begin with the word ‘The’,” or simply a single word to get your started.

4. Ping back! It’s important, so that I and other people can come and read your post! For example, in your post you can write “This post is part of SoCS:” and then copy and paste the URL found in your address bar at the top of this post into yours. Your link will show up in my comments for everyone to see. The most recent pingbacks will be found at the top. NOTE: Pingbacks only work from WordPress sites. If you’re self-hosted or are participating from another host, such as Blogger, please leave a link to your post in the comments below.

5. Read at least one other person’s blog who has linked back their post. Even better, read everyone’s! If you’re the first person to link back, you can check back later, or go to the previous week, by following my category, “Stream of Consciousness Saturday,” which you’ll find right below the “Like” button on my post.

6. Copy and paste the rules (if you’d like to) in your post. The more people who join in, the more new bloggers you’ll meet and the bigger your community will get!

7. As a suggestion, tag your post “SoCS” and/or “#SoCS” for more exposure and more views.

8. Have fun!

For My Father

 

When I was in my twenties

searching for myself,

I did not understand

the man you were,

how you suffered and fought

and how deeply you loved

my mother,

my sisters,

and me.

As I got older, you got older.

And now that you are gone,

I am in awe

of the integrity of your life.

And now, as I pray for my daughter,

in her twenties,

searching for herself,

I wonder if this is how

you prayed for me

and if somehow, some day

my strength,

my faith,

will rub off on her

as yours has on me.

 

The Strongest Man I’ve Ever Known, 1931-2017

 

 

Stepping Stones

Many years ago, in my 20s, I had this dream that I was driving down a narrow road through the woods. I knew water ran beside me -maybe a river – beyond the trees. The road curved to the right as it led out of the woods and disappeared into a large body of water, as if there had been a flood. I found that I was on a tiny peninsula. I stopped the car and got out. Fog enveloped me so that I could only see a few feet in any direction. The water appeared calm and milky. I didn’t want to go back, but I felt unsure, because I couldn’t see the path. I didn’t know how narrow the path was, or how deep the water was on each side of the path. Even if I could have seen the path, I didn’t know where it would take me.

Something must have told me to step forward, out into the water. As I lifted my right foot and moved it forward over the water, a flat, circular stone rose up out of the water directly under my foot. I stepped onto the stone, first with one foot, then the other. Then, I tried it again. As I moved my left foot forward, another grey stepping stone rose out of the pale water, and I stepped on it.

I don’t know what happened after that. Perhaps the lesson was done. As I remember that long ago dream, I remember the lesson that has been presented to me over and over in various ways – that sometimes we have to take  steps in faith. Over the years, my steps, divinely guided when I paid attention, have readied me for a gift of love I could not have imagined. Now it is time to trust that love and that the stepping stones will rise to support me as I prepare to move into a new direction.

In three months, I will make a major change in my life. It’s a little scary, but exciting. It is a change that I believe will improve my mental, emotional and physical health. It will allow more time for creative work, more freedom, and more authenticity for my soul.

The road ahead is becoming clear. I can see it, now. And I know the stepping stones will be there if I need them.

It’s interesting that my daughter is also preparing for a major change in her life that will take her body about three hundred miles away from me. I know it’s not that far, but it’s hard to fully realize that at 22 years of age, my once upon a time baby girl is now a grown woman. It’s a little scary-for me.

I will have faith that the stepping stones will be there for her, too.

(Photos from pixabay.com)

I Don’t Miss the Drama, But….

The first thing that popped into my head when I read our Stream of Consciousness prompt (“miss”) was that I miss my daughter. She’s 22 and living mostly with her boyfriend. I remember I did the same thing when I was her age….

I don’t miss the yelling matches and drama we had back in the days when she was in puberty and I was in menopause. I knew when I had her so late in life, that those would be challenging times, but we got through it. For most of that time, it was just me and my girl. We were best buddies – most of the time, when we weren’t yelling at each other. We didn’t yell at each other a lot, but definitely when we were hungry and had low blood sugar. We learned to not talk when we were hungry.

I don’t miss her having a meltdown at midnight when I had to go to work the next day, or the messiness of her room.

I do miss us singing together on road trips, and her teaching me songs by Pink and Lady Gaga. I miss her dry sense of humor. I miss the excitement of putting the Christmas tree up together, as hard as it was, just the two of us.

I wonder if my mom felt this way when I was 22.

I miss my mom. She’s an angel now. A zany angel. She used to make “angeled eggs” because she didn’t want to give the devil credit for something so good as what other people called deviled eggs.

Christmas is different when you don’t have kids. But I still love the Christmas lights and singing carols. I still love the memories. And I do enjoy the peace of these days.

Now I understand why people like their grand children, adore their grandchildren, brag about their grandchildren. I’m looking forward to being a grandmother. I do have grandchildren but they are far away. So I look forward to someday having them close at Christmas time.  Until then, I will imagine them opening their packages from Grandma.

I think I want to make some gingerbread cookies.

If you’d like to join in the Saturday SOC prompt and post, visit Linda’s blog:

http://lindaghill.com/2015/12/04/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-dec-515/

Here are the rules:

1. Your post must be stream of consciousness writing, meaning no editing, (typos can be fixed) and minimal planning on what you’re going to write.

2. Your post can be as long or as short as you want it to be. One sentence – one thousand words. Fact, fiction, poetry – it doesn’t matter. Just let the words carry you along until you’re ready to stop.

3. There will be a prompt every week. I will post the prompt here on my blog on Friday, along with a reminder for you to join in. The prompt will be one random thing, but it will not be a subject. For instance, I will not say “Write about dogs”; the prompt will be more like, “Make your first sentence a question,” “Begin with the word ‘The’,” or simply a single word to get your started.

4. Ping back! It’s important, so that I and other people can come and read your post! For example, in your post you can write “This post is part of SoCS:” and then copy and paste the URL found in your address bar at the top of this post into yours.  Your link will show up in my comments for everyone to see. The most recent pingbacks will be found at the top.

5. Read at least one other person’s blog who has linked back their post. Even better, read everyone’s! If you’re the first person to link back, you can check back later, or go to the previous week, by following my category, “Stream of Consciousness Saturday,” which you’ll find right below the “Like” button on my post.

6. Copy and paste the rules (if you’d like to) in your post. The more people who join in, the more new bloggers you’ll meet and the bigger your community will get!

7. As a suggestion, tag your post “SoCS” and/or “#SoCS” for more exposure and more views.

8. Have fun!

A Sticky Mud-Sucking Adventure

Badge by: Doobster @ Mindful Digressions

There have been times when I’ve been accused of being a stick-in-the-mud. Not when I was in my twenties, but later, after I had kids and got responsible, and all. But there are lots of different ways of being a stuck in the mud.

One way I’m not a stick-in-the-mud is when I’m swimming. I’m not afraid to swim out far into the ocean, well I don’t go as far out as I did in my twenties, but I love to swim.

One time I would not stay stuck in the mud, after having kids, and becoming responsible, was on a canoe trip with a local environmental group I took my daughter on. Back then, it was mostly just me and my girl. She was in her early teens; I was in my early 50s.

Paddling out  on a beautiful summer morning, the air was fresh and clean as we cleared the basin and meandered through the canals in the marsh grass. We saw white egrets and a sea hawk. I love the coolness of the water droplets on my skin when paddling in the summertime….

Anyway, on our way back, the tide had gone out, and we had to carry the canoe when the water became too shallow. We were toward the back of the group to begin with, and then we became last in line. The people in front of us got further and further away, so that eventually we couldn’t see them anymore. It was just me and my girl, and the mud sucking at our sneakers as we carried the canoe that got heavier and heavier with the sun directly overhead.

We stopped for a rest on a narrow strip of beach. I realized what a beautiful day it was, and squatted down to take a picture of the marsh grass and while fluffy clouds, that gave no hint of the sucking mud.

Photo by JoAnne Silvia

“Why don’t we just leave the canoe here, and they can come back and get it?” my daughter asked.

“Because it’s our responsibility,” I said. “Besides, we’d have to swim when the water gets deeper and I don’t want to get my camera wet.”

“Well, you might as well leave me here to die,” she said in her best drama queen voice.

“I’m going to throw mud on you!” I teased, bending down to scoop some up.

“Something just jumped in the boat!” she yelled. “What the hell is that?”

Something was flapping around in the canoe.

“I think it’s a shrimp.” I said. “And don’t say, hell.”

“Okay, that means we have to have shrimp for dinner,” she said.

“We have to get out of this mud first,” I reminded her. “Are you ready to move on?”

“I guess so,” said A.

We got the little shrimp out of the canoe and persevered through the mud, finally making it back to the basin, and the joy of paddling, to find the rest of the group as relieved as we were. They hadn’t realized we had been left behind until the head count was short.

The misery of the sucking mud soon faded, to be replaced by the memory of accomplishment by me and my girl.

 

This week’s Stream of Consciousness Post was: “stick” If you’d like to join in the fun, visit:

The Friday Reminder and Prompt for SoCS May 16/15

Here are the rules:

1. Your post must be stream of consciousness writing, meaning no editing, (typos can be fixed) and minimal planning on what you’re going to write.

2. Your post can be as long or as short as you want it to be. One sentence – one thousand words. Fact, fiction, poetry – it doesn’t matter. Just let the words carry you along until you’re ready to stop.

3. There will be a prompt every week. I will post the prompt here on my blog on Friday, along with a reminder for you to join in. The prompt will be one random thing, but it will not be a subject. For instance, I will not say “Write about dogs”; the prompt will be more like, “Make your first sentence a question,” or “Begin with the word ‘The’.”

4. Ping back! It’s important, so that I and other people can come and read your post! For example, in your post you can write “This post is part of SoCS:” and then copy and paste the URL found in your address bar at the top of this post into yours.  Your link will show up in my comments, for everyone to see. The most recent pingbacks will be found at the top.

5. Read at least one other person’s blog who has linked back their post. Even better, read everyone’s! If you’re the first person to link back, you can check back later, or go to the previous week, by following my category, “Stream of Consciousness Saturday,” which you’ll find right below the “Like” button on my post.

6. Copy and paste the rules (if you’d like to) in your post. The more people who join in, the more new bloggers you’ll meet and the bigger your community will get!

7. Have fun!

My Mother’s Eyes

Badge by: Doobster @ Mindful Digressions

I have my mother’s eyes. Her soft hazel, sometimes sad, patient eyes. I’ve often wished I had darker eye brows and lashes, like my daughter, so I didn’t have to wear eye make up.

My daughter has beautiful green eyes, and beautiful, full lips. But she complains about her nose being too big. I tell her she is beautiful.

She tells me I am beautiful, and I wonder what she sees.

Many years ago, in a rebellious stage, I went without make up, even at work. Then someone described me as “that woman with no eyebrows.”

And I started wearing make up again.

I don’t remember my mother ever wearing eye make up, just lipstick. My dad always liked the natural look. He complained when I started wearing make up as a teenager, especially the blue, or green, or purple, eye shadow.

I know he thought my mother was beautiful with her soft red hair, that never went gray, just lost the red, and her soft hazel eyes with no make up. He adored her. Dad hasn’t changed much in the house since she died in 2008. All my mother’s angels, maybe 1oo of them, still stand watch around the living room.

Today is my mother’s birthday. Her soft hazel eyes watch me with love, even though they know all my secrets now. She still loves me.

Here’s a story about my mom:

https://joannaoftheforest.wordpress.com/2013/09/30/257/

This week’s Stream of Consciousness Post was: “I/eye/aye.”

If you’d like to join in the fun, visit:

http://lindaghill.com/2015/03/20/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-march-2115/

Here are the rules:

1. Your post must be stream of consciousness writing, meaning no editing, (typos can be fixed) and minimal planning on what you’re going to write.

2. Your post can be as long or as short as you want it to be. One sentence – one thousand words. Fact, fiction, poetry – it doesn’t matter. Just let the words carry you along until you’re ready to stop.

3. There will be a prompt every week. I will post the prompt here on my blog on Friday, along with a reminder for you to join in. The prompt will be one random thing, but it will not be a subject. For instance, I will not say “Write about dogs”; the prompt will be more like, “Make your first sentence a question,” or “Begin with the word ‘The’.”

4. Ping back! It’s important, so that I and other people can come and read your post! For example, in your post you can write “This post is part of SoCS:” and then copy and paste the URL found in your address bar at the top of this post into yours.  Your link will show up in my comments, for everyone to see. The most recent pingbacks will be found at the top.

5. Read at least one other person’s blog who has linked back their post. Even better, read everyone’s! If you’re the first person to link back, you can check back later, or go to the previous week, by following my category, “Stream of Consciousness Saturday,” which you’ll find right below the “Like” button on my post.

6. Copy and paste the rules (if you’d like to) in your post. The more people who join in, the more new bloggers you’ll meet and the bigger your community will get!

7. Have fun!

My Heart Walks Outside My Body

This week’s Stream of Consciousness Saturday prompt is attach/attachment.

Attachment seems to have a negative connotation for me. I’m often talking, reading or thinking about emotional detachment to help people, including me, recover from co-dependency.

But when I try to think of a positive feeling about attachment, I remember my baby girl. She’s 21 years old now, but I can still remember the lovely, warm feeling of her being attached to my breast that summer I got to stay home and just be a mom. I think it was the most peaceful time of my life.

We were always close, my daughter and I. After the divorce, and after I stopped getting into relationships that weren’t right for me and accepted being single, and after my son moved out on his own, it was just me and my girl. And the dogs. For five years.

We didn’t do everything together. We had our own friends and activities, but we did a lot of fun things together, like canoe trips, road trips, and just hanging out. We also had plenty of arguments. After all, we did go through puberty and menopause around the same time. That’s what happens when you have a baby girl at the age of 37. Maybe it was a good thing it was just me and her during that time.

I know she’s felt a little displaced since I got married two years ago. She had me to herself for five years.

She’s a grown up now, technically. But she will always be my baby girl. I guess there will always be some emotional attachment between us. It reminds me of a quote, the origin of which I do not know. So I’ll just stop and look it up. (I can tell you I’m doing that because this is Stream of Consciousness Saturday.) Here it is:

“Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.”  __Elizabeth Stone

♥

To join in the Saturday Stream of Consciousness prompt/response, visit:

http://lindaghill.com/2015/02/13/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-february-1415/

Here are the rules:

1. Your post must be stream of consciousness writing, meaning no editing, (typos can be fixed) and minimal planning on what you’re going to write.

2. Your post can be as long or as short as you want it to be. One sentence – one thousand words. Fact, fiction, poetry – it doesn’t matter. Just let the words carry you along until you’re ready to stop.

3. There will be a prompt every week. I will post the prompt here on my blog on Friday, along with a reminder for you to join in. The prompt will be one random thing, but it will not be a subject. For instance, I will not say “Write about dogs”; the prompt will be more like, “Make your first sentence a question,” or “Begin with the word ‘The’.”

4. Ping back! It’s important, so that I and other people can come and read your post! For example, in your post you can write “This post is part of SoCS:” and then copy and paste the URL found in your address bar at the top of this post into yours.  Your link will show up in my comments, for everyone to see. The most recent pingbacks will be found at the top.

5. Read at least one other person’s blog who has linked back their post. Even better, read everyone’s! If you’re the first person to link back, you can check back later, or go to the previous week, by following my category, “Stream of Consciousness Saturday,” which you’ll find right below the “Like” button on my post.

6. Copy and paste the rules (if you’d like to) in your post. The more people who join in, the more new bloggers you’ll meet and the bigger your community will get!

7. Have fun!