“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.” Lao Tzu
For the past six months, I’ve been working just one day a week at the old job, the counseling job I’ve done for thirty years. Some would say I’m moving gradually into retirement. I believe I’m moving into my second career, a career my heart longs for.
Moving to one day a week and letting go of my insurance and vacation benefits was a big leap of faith. But on Tuesday, I made an even bigger leap. I gave notice that I’ll be terminating employment in January.
As far as the hours go, it won’t be such a big change, but it’s cutting the cord to the job that paid my bills for most of my adult life. The job that taught me so much about giving and boundaries and life, the job that provided security, the job for which I am thankful.
As I’ve moved into a more creative life, working on my book and painting angels, I’ve kept one foot in the old job while stretching into my new life. But you have to let go of the shore if you want to sail the ocean.
It’s hard to say goodbye, especially to my clients. But it’s time to move fully into the next phase of my life and to trust that I’ll be taken care of. Words cannot express how thankful I am for the opportunity to come home to my creative soul.
In a few days, I’ll be 61 years old. Yep. I’d say, it’s about time.
Maybe everything will turn out okay. Maybe even better than okay. After all, look what happened to my love life that was in the toilet at the beginning of this century. And now, things have turned out better than okay.
Back when I was newly divorced, then in the sick rebound, then in the not as sick rebound, then lonely and wondering if I should just give up on romance, I had to work hard to imagine that maybe things would be okay or even better.
But imagine I did.
I’m good at imagining the worst, or the drudgery of a life of a life of drudgery. Correction: I WAS good at that. Whatever we practice, we get better at. I’ve gotten better at imagining good things happening, because look what’s happened! Not only has the man of my dreams come back to me at the perfect time, but he’s empowered me to pursue my creative soul’s desires!
Yet, I still have to work at imagining that maybe things will turn out great for my grown children, especially my baby girl. I guess I had a lot of practice worrying as a mom. Too much worrying. It helps to remember what I was like in my early 20s. I got side tracked by my emotions just like she has a tendency to do. I floundered as to my direction and career goals. I didn’t know just how to get back on course. But, eventually, I figured it out and went back to college. She is not me, so she might not go back to college. But maybe things will work out okay. Probably things will work out okay.
Maybe they will work out even better than okay.
Maybe we can slow the damage we are doing to our planet.
Maybe we can reverse the damage we’ve done.
Maybe we can learn to live in peace, at least more peace.
Maybe there is hope for each and every one of us.
Maybe imagining things working out better than we imagined can improve out chances, especially if we take steps in the direction of our hopes and dreams.
Maybe it will take more time than we imagined, but maybe that time is what we need to grow up.
Maybe the human race will grow up before we destroy ourselves.
Our Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday was: “mb.” We were instructed to “find a word that has those two letters in it, in that order,”and base our post on it. We were also instructed, by our fearless leader of SOC prompts, to have fun!
If you’d like to give it a go, visit Linda by clicking this link:
1. Your post must be stream of consciousness writing, meaning no editing, (typos can be fixed) and minimal planning on what you’re going to write.
2. Your post can be as long or as short as you want it to be. One sentence – one thousand words. Fact, fiction, poetry – it doesn’t matter. Just let the words carry you along until you’re ready to stop.
3. There will be a prompt every week. I will post the prompt here on my blog on Friday, along with a reminder for you to join in. The prompt will be one random thing, but it will not be a subject. For instance, I will not say “Write about dogs”; the prompt will be more like, “Make your first sentence a question,” “Begin with the word ‘The’,” or simply a single word to get your started.
4. Ping back! It’s important, so that I and other people can come and read your post! For example, in your post you can write “This post is part of SoCS:” and then copy and paste the URL found in your address bar at the top of this post into yours. Your link will show up in my comments for everyone to see. The most recent pingbacks will be found at the top.
5. Read at least one other person’s blog who has linked back their post. Even better, read everyone’s! If you’re the first person to link back, you can check back later, or go to the previous week, by following my category, “Stream of Consciousness Saturday,” which you’ll find right below the “Like” button on my post.
6. Copy and paste the rules (if you’d like to) in your post. The more people who join in, the more new bloggers you’ll meet and the bigger your community will get!
7. As a suggestion, tag your post “SoCS” and/or “#SoCS” for more exposure and more views.
Many years ago, in my 20s, I had this dream that I was driving down a narrow road through the woods. I knew water ran beside me -maybe a river – beyond the trees. The road curved to the right as it led out of the woods and disappeared into a large body of water, as if there had been a flood. I found that I was on a tiny peninsula. I stopped the car and got out. Fog enveloped me so that I could only see a few feet in any direction. The water appeared calm and milky. I didn’t want to go back, but I felt unsure, because I couldn’t see the path. I didn’t know how narrow the path was, or how deep the water was on each side of the path. Even if I could have seen the path, I didn’t know where it would take me.
Something must have told me to step forward, out into the water. As I lifted my right foot and moved it forward over the water, a flat, circular stone rose up out of the water directly under my foot. I stepped onto the stone, first with one foot, then the other. Then, I tried it again. As I moved my left foot forward, another grey stepping stone rose out of the pale water, and I stepped on it.
I don’t know what happened after that. Perhaps the lesson was done. As I remember that long ago dream, I remember the lesson that has been presented to me over and over in various ways – that sometimes we have to take steps in faith. Over the years, my steps, divinely guided when I paid attention, have readied me for a gift of love I could not have imagined. Now it is time to trust that love and that the stepping stones will rise to support me as I prepare to move into a new direction.
In three months, I will make a major change in my life. It’s a little scary, but exciting. It is a change that I believe will improve my mental, emotional and physical health. It will allow more time for creative work, more freedom, and more authenticity for my soul.
The road ahead is becoming clear. I can see it, now. And I know the stepping stones will be there if I need them.
It’s interesting that my daughter is also preparing for a major change in her life that will take her body about three hundred miles away from me. I know it’s not that far, but it’s hard to fully realize that at 22 years of age, my once upon a time baby girl is now a grown woman. It’s a little scary-for me.
I will have faith that the stepping stones will be there for her, too.
I couldn’t remember where I put my phone charger. I’d been clearing of the table for Christmas Eve dinner, feeling frustrated because of all the clutter, some of which was mine, and I put the charger in its case, but couldn’t remember where I put the case.
I looked and looked with the logical, left-brain kind of looking, which doesn’t always work so well. But when I stopped thinking about it, my body took me to right where the charger case was in the kitchen. Supposedly, I went to the kitchen for something else, after giving up on the charger. I’ve had this happen several times over the past few years – when I stop looking for something, my body ends up taking me there, because my subconscious mind knows exactly where I put the thing I lost.
It’s like when you can’t remember a word or a name, but then it comes to you when you think about something else.
Our minds change as we grow older. Some types of memory can deteriorate, and some things can grow stronger, like wisdom and spiritual awareness, and in my case the urge to create art. I just hope I’m not getting that dementia I heard about on the NPR Radio Lab podcast,“Unraveling Bolero.”
The story is about Anne Adams, the scientist turned artist, and her fascination with Maurice Ravel’s Bolero. Both Adams and Ravel had a type of dementia that effects language, and in each case, the condition was preceded by years of intense creativity. What I remember from the story is that in both people, the frontal and/or temporal lobes, very important for language, deteriorated making way for, or, as the Brain article states, “liberating,” more creative abilities and the compulsion to paint or compose masterpieces until eventually the dementia got so bad they became incapacitated.
The story was depressing yet fascinating and reminded me of this thing that happens when I stop trying to figure out, in a logical/linear/left brain way, where I put something, allowing my intuitive/subconscious/right brain to take me right to it.
Sometimes logic can get in the way of magical mystery tours. But I don’t want to forget where I put my words, so I’m going to start doing crossword puzzles- or maybe I’ll learn Spanish when I retire!
Here is Ravel’s “Bolero”:
(The top image from Pixabay. My right brain liked it.)
Some days, it feels like I’m trying to see what’s the most I can pack into a day.
That’s really not my goal, but it feels like I’m constantly prioritizing how to use my time best. I still work at least thirty hours a week as a counselor, I’m active in my little church. I volunteer every other week Wednesday night at the mission. Maybe I’ll write about that some other time. I’m trying to help my 83 year old dad figure out how to live as independently as he can while his physical body is declining. I’m trying to help my 21 year old daughter learn how to live as independently as she can, even though she’s still living under my roof.
Then of course there’s writing the memoir and blogging, both of which I love. And I need to read more and exercise more. And now I’ve decided to be in my first art show, though I only recently started getting back into painting. I’m including some of my daughter’s photography, which is really cool stuff with skulls and flowers…..
Part of me is going: What are you thinking? You don’t have time for all this!
But another, deeper part of me believes that for me to be happy, I need to follow my creative passions where they lead me.
I’m still being responsible and paying my bills. I spend less money on entertainment than most people. I get excited about making a whole meal out of leftovers. But then I do enjoy a good meal out at least once a week.
My husband and the abundance/law of attraction movements say I’ve been living in scarcity mode. I am frugal most of the time. I buy most of my clothes at thrift stores, but that’s because I like to recycle. I don’t like to waste things. It’s the least I can do for the environment.
But maybe it’s okay to want the most out of life. It’s okay to want to be a writer and an artist. To follow my dreams and expect that I will make a living doing those things some day, instead of saying, money doesn’t matter. Money does matter. I would like to be able to make a living doing what I’ve loved for as long as I can remember. I’ve put in 30 years working in a helping profession in a nonprofit agency. And I believe I’ll always make time to help others. I know it’s not all about me.
But sometimes, it’s okay to be about me.
So, when someone asks me to do something else, in addition to what I’m already doing, the question isn’t: can I cram that into my day, or week. It’s not about where can I fit that in? Sometimes I need to ask:
Will it feed my soul?
Will it nurture my spirit?
Will it give me energy to keep going?
Today’s Stream of Consciousness Saturday Prompt was “most/least.” If you’d like to join in, visit:
1. Your post must be stream of consciousness writing, meaning no editing, (typos can be fixed) and minimal planning on what you’re going to write.
2. Your post can be as long or as short as you want it to be. One sentence – one thousand words. Fact, fiction, poetry – it doesn’t matter. Just let the words carry you along until you’re ready to stop.
3. There will be a prompt every week. I will post the prompt here on my blog on Friday, along with a reminder for you to join in. The prompt will be one random thing, but it will not be a subject. For instance, I will not say “Write about dogs”; the prompt will be more like, “Make your first sentence a question,” or “Begin with the word ‘The’.”
4. Ping back! It’s important, so that I and other people can come and read your post! For example, in your post you can write “This post is part of SoCS:” and then copy and paste the URL found in your address bar at the top of this post into yours. Your link will show up in my comments, for everyone to see. The most recent pingbacks will be found at the top.
5. Read at least one other person’s blog who has linked back their post. Even better, read everyone’s! If you’re the first person to link back, you can check back later, or go to the previous week, by following my category, “Stream of Consciousness Saturday,” which you’ll find right below the “Like” button on my post.
6. Copy and paste the rules (if you’d like to) in your post. The more people who join in, the more new bloggers you’ll meet and the bigger your community will get!
Anything is Possible! 