SoCS: Therapeutic Hindsight on Being Alone

This week’s prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “left alone.” Use it any way you’d like. Have fun!

There are times when I don’t mind being left alone as long as I have the dog, cat, and birds singing outside. For a while, that is. Sometimes I wonder, being an introvert with sensitive and empathic traits, how long it would take me to feel lonely without human companionship. When David goes out of town, I’m okay for a couple days at least.

But after my first marriage ended in 2002, I felt lonely – even with two kids and two dogs in the house with me. This loneliness came from feeling rejected by my husband of twenty years. Feeling unwanted made me vulnerable enough to fall into the rebound from hell. That was twenty years ago. Isn’t it weird how some memories can be so vivid – like they happened last week? Or last year?

It was shortly after the year long rebound from hell ended, when I was still dealing with some of mental and stress induced physical symptoms from that sick relationship, that I overheard a friend at church talking to some people about a party she was having. Though we had been good friends, she never talked to me about the party. If this happened today, I might go to her and say, nonchalantly, “So I hear your having a party….” I don’t know, but if I wanted to go, I like to think I would mention it and give her the opportunity…. But I did not do that twenty years ago.

What I did do was schedule my first ever hypnotherapy session for the afternoon of my friend’s party to work on those mental and physical symptoms, to work on ME. It was a good session. I think I might have cried during it. Two things that came up were my love for water and for dogs who had always been there with their unconditional love. After that, I swam more at the beach and pool and embraced walking the dogs. I kept working on me.

The week after the party, a close friend mentioned to me that she was sorry I wasn’t able to make the party. I clearly remember my flat response, “I wasn’t invited.” My friend looked surprised and didn’t know what to say. I remember feeling sad and rejected. After that, the friend who had the party announced all her big parties at church and said everyone was welcome. But that’s not what’s important here.

Yesterday, as I happened to drive by the house where my friend had the party, (she doesn’t live there anymore) I remembered feeling rejected and unwanted by the lack of invitation twenty years ago. Then it hit me: Maybe I was being protected. I was pretty sure there was a guy at that party who had flirted with me a few weeks earlier. I might have wanted to date him, but I didn’t get the opportunity. He later got back with his wife. What I’m getting at is that maybe my guardian angels were protecting me, knowing I needed to work on me and to Trust the Timing. That’s what I’m going to believe, because everything eventually worked out for the best.

It is a gift to be able to go back and reframe things from our past in a more positive light or at least gain some new insight. It’s like therapeutic hindsight. I’m thankful that my first marriage ended. Even though that ending was very painful, it eventually made room for something better.

The something better is my husband and first love David who found me again when the timing was perfect.

On Memorial Day, David went with me to the vegan potluck at the sanctuary where I volunteer. I forgot to take pictures of all the food but did remember to show the remnants of cooler corn cooked to perfection by pouring a large pot of boiling water over a full cooler of corn then leaving it closed for about 15 minutes.

Padre, David, and Jake

Padre and David

Padre and David

Cooler Corn leftovers

PS. We’re never really alone. God/Goddess/Great Spirit, angels, or spirit guides are always within reach.

~~~

To learn more about Stream of Consciousness Saturday,

visit our host, Linda Hill

by clicking HERE.

SoCS: Yesterday, Today, and Scrambled Eggs

Today’s prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “yes.” Find a word that starts with “yes” or use the word “yes” as is. Bonus points if you start your post with the word you choose. Enjoy!

The first thing I thought of was the Beatles song, “Yesterday.” Such a sad, but pretty song. “Why she had to go, I don’t know, she wouldn’t say, ” That’s a mystery right there. But the clue may be that he said something wrong.

It’s funny how things can seem so wrong but eventually turn out right. Funny and good. I don’t long for yesterday, though I might have in 1972 the day after 15-year-old David, my first boyfriend, moved so far away with his family. Today, the 66-year-old David, now my husband, is leading a spiritual “Cursillo” weekend at the beach. I’ll be joining them Sunday for the closing service.

Who would have guessed? Neither one of us.

God can take something wrong and, in time, make it work out better in a way we never expected.

Just goes to show….

Yesterday is history.

Tomorrow’s a mystery.

Today is a gift.

That’s why they call it the present.

I stepped out of the stream a bit to research the song, “Yesterday,” and came across this little piece of fun. Now I want scrambled eggs but will have to find a substitute since I’m vegan, like Paul changes chicken wings to tofu wings since he’s a vegetarian. I can always have a tossed salad without the scrambled eggs, but that’s another song…. from Frazier.

Have a wonderful day!

~~~

For details on the Stream of Consciousness Saturday,

visit our host, Linda Hill

by clicking HERE.

SoCS: If I Knew Then…. Does God Roll Her Eyes?

Today‘s prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “new/knew.’” Use one, use both, use them any way you like. Bonus points if you use both. Enjoy!

Thanks for the easy bonus points, Linda, since we can use one to say, Happy New Year! and the other some other way. And also a big thanks to Linda for providing so many prompts for so many weeks and years and helping to create communities on wordpress including SoCS, One-Liner Wednesday, and Just Jot it January which I may or may not do. But Stream of Consciousness Saturday has been a good addiction/addition to my week.

If I knew then what I know now, I would have not made the same mistakes. Would I? But then, I would not be the same person. Mistakes give us compassion for others who make mistakes and hopefully, compassion for ourselves which can sometimes be harder. Forgiving the self…. sigh…. is a process, like most forgivings.

If I knew my high school sweetheart would return to me some day, many years later, would I have gotten married to someone else? I suppose so. Otherwise, I would not have become a mother unless I was a single mother, which I was (unexpectedly) for about ten years anyway. But someone knew. God knew. I guess. Wait. What about free will? That’s too complicated to explore right now.

What I know is that when I was 16, the lady I babysat for told me that if David and I were meant to be together, we would be. That really helped my pining heart and allowed me to go on about my life for 39 years until David and I were ready to meet again.

Some things we just don’t know. Sometimes, we have to put one foot in front of the other and hope for the best. But it’s good to know what we know and admit what we don’t.

I know there are a few things I want to do in 2023. Keeping it simple and realistic: Get back to painting with alcohol ink on tile, continuing the de-cluttering process, keep working out, walking, or doing some kind of physical exercise… and love. The word love keeps coming to me. I want to make time for it – romantic, familial, and platonic love. Having reclaimed my inner introvert in retirement, I tend to not seek friends out. With occasional exceptions, I am content to be home with the dog and cat much of the time. I want to listen to my loved ones more and remember that God has a plan for them. I don’t have to try to fix things for them.

A friend on FB shared a quote:

“If you want to make God laugh, tell her your plans.” – Anne Lamott

(Dang! Coulda used that for One-Liner Wednesday. Well, who says I still can’t just because it came along in the stream of consciousness…)

I like to think that when we tell God our plans, God will laugh but also say, “I’ll take it into consideration,” with a smirk or eye roll.

Does God roll her eyes? Is she rolling her eyes at me right now? Does God have eyes? Of course! In some form or other. All seeing eyes.

If my guardian angels knew how much work I would be, especially in my early twenties, would they have signed up? If I get to be someone’s guardian angel after I die, I’ll probably have someone difficult as payback. Oh, but mine haven’t had to work nearly as hard lately! Except when I ask them to look after my grown up children. I can feel my guardian angels rolling their eyes at that.

But here’s the real lesson: If I knew things were going to eventually work out okay, I would not have worried so much. Maybe I’m still learning to trust the timing.

Well, thanks for reading the ramble.

Recent photos from coastal Carolina:

Neighbor’s Camillias

December 13 ~ Hanging on

Christmas Morning

Christmas Morning Ice

May your new year be filled with peace, love, joy, and blessings!

~~~

For more streams and rules about SoCS:

visit our wonderful host, Linda Hill,

by clicking HERE.

SoCS: Eyesight Declines as Hindsight Improves with Age

A true fortune

Today’s prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is: “clear.” Use it any way you’d like. Enjoy!

I like things to be clear. But sometimes we have to wait for the mud to settle. Clarity can take hours, weeks, months, or decades. It took almost 20 years for the clarity that my divorce that happened around the turn of the century turned out to be a good thing. Or maybe God turned it into a good thing. Twenty-two years ago, I was in shock. Devastated. Confused. Now, I am thankful. Everything worked out for the best. Not perfect, but the timing was perfect.

Hindsight is often much clearer than foresight or present sight. Physically, my sight is not very clear at all. Between the floaters and the early cataracts, plus scratches on my glasses, it’s a wonder I can get from point A to point B. But the brain is good at adapting – looking around the cloudy patches.

“All Clear,” is what I want to hear about Ukraine. So, people don’t have to hide, flee, or fear for their lives. I’m just shaking my head and praying for: All Clear all over the world. Anything is possible.

My first decade in the 21st century was a painstaking process of grieving, healing, and learning. Though it sometimes seems like it happened in the blink of an eye, I know that was not the case.

This became my song in the second decade of the 21st Century.

~~~

For more streams of consciousness and all the ruly and unruly things, visit our host, Linda Hill, who is clearly the best, by clicking HERE.

SoCS: Beyond the Headlines

Today’s prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is: “page.” Use it as a noun or a verb. Have fun!

So many thoughts flittering around my head like the wind blowing the pages off the calendar in an old movie to show time going by faster and faster. STOP! Time is going by too fast already without that scene.

Remember when we used to read the newspaper? I guess some people still do. Back then, the funny pages were the best, especially on Sundays when they were in color. The front page had the “big” headlines. I’d read those before going to the comics. Like today, the headlines that get the most attention, up front and in your face, or your home page maybe, those are usually bad news. Controversy and conflict that the mainstream media thinks we want. Not to get on my soapbox, but you had to look for the good news and still do.

In small towns or small papers, they would publish things about who visited who or who was in town. I have a clipping one of my aunts saved and mailed from the paper in Green Bay about my dad. I’m sure it was not on the front page. I’m going to go find it.

I confess that I broke the rules by editing out the first couple of lines for privacy/security purposes. I had forgotten that my dad served as an orderly for the admiral on the USS Macon. That was before I was born and in the early part of his 20-year career as a USMC. Maybe my dad offered an element of security in addition to the orderly part since he was pretty tough and 6’2.

Going back to the funny pages, there used to be an expression, “I’ll see you in the funny papers.” Funny papers. Rolling papers. Hmmm. Paperwork sucks. I’m glad I don’t have much to do like I used to. What did pages do in medieval times? I’m surprised I spelled that right. I think I’d rather be a scribe. But maybe I don’t want to live back then. Did they even have toilet paper? Maybe I’m right where I’m supposed to be in time. Trust the Timing.

The last page in my story has a quote from this song:

So, what headline do you want to see on the front page?

To read more streams of consciousness and all about the rules, visit our host, Linda Hill HERE.

SoCS: Let Go of the Shame, Remember the Lesson

Here’s today’s prompt: “let go.” Write about the first thing that comes to mind when you think “let go.” Enjoy!

Let go, already! It was practically 20 years ago! I was vulnerable and grieving. The rebound from hell lasted only one year – not long in the grand scheme of things. But still, I think, I should have known better, being a counselor and all. I suppose it can happen to anybody.

Maybe shame is like grief in that it still comes in waves as it dissipates. The waves do come further apart and are smaller. And I can say, STOP IT! sooner. Moving on….

Let go my ego! or is it, Let go OF my ego? (Ha! It’s supposed to be spelled Eggo, but I’m going to leave it as ego.) There have been a lot of pancake commercials on TV lately. Must be for IHOP or something. But they make me think about the pancake mix and sugar free syrup that have been in my frig for at least a year. Tomorrow will be cold, so maybe… No, I have plenty of other things to eat. But maybe…. STOP It! Maybe one day, I’ll throw the pancake mix away. Let it go.

Who’s going to share the song, “Let it Go,” from frozen? I don’t know, but it’s almost like a cliche now. I still like it anyway. Hey! I found a great meme with the smarter sister from Frozen. Let me find it…..

The lesson I learned from The Rebound from Hell was, don’t even date someone you just met. Find out about them, do a background check, and see if he meets your list of requirements. Then wait a while. That’s why David and I asked each other a lot of questions on the phone before we had our second first date, then a lot more questions before we got serious. My awesome supervisor at the time did an unofficial background check on David and only found good stuff. Thank God, I don’t have to worry about that anymore.

The key with any mistake is to let go of the shame and remember the lesson.

~~~

Stream of Consciousness Saturday and Just Jot it January are brought to us by Linda Hill. To learn more about #SoCS and #JusJoJan, click HERE.

One-Liner Wednesday: Has Gratitude Ever Kept You Awake at Night?

“Has gratitude ever kept you awake at night?”

Reverend Patti Mary asked this question in her sermon on Sunday. I thought she was quoting Curtis Almquist since she had referred to his book The Twelve Days of Christmas, Unwrapping the Gifts. The question, “Has gratitude ever kept you awake at night?” was not in his chapter on gratitude, so maybe it was from Almquist, or maybe it was from Patti Mary.

My answer is, gratitude has not kept me awake for long, so I need to count my blessings when worries and questions are doing summersaults in my heat at 2AM.

What I did find in the chapter on gratitude, was Almquist quoting Rilke:

“I would like to beg you to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to live the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms of books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live therm. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.” (Rainer Maria Rilke)

Oh, I’ve noticed it living into the answer, I just need to remember to trust the timing.

Live the questions, but don’t let them keep you awake at night.

One Liner Wednesday is hosted by Linda Hill who is a blessing. For more one-liners visit Linda’s post here.

SoCS: Gratitude and Angel Art

Our Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “close eyes and point.” Grab the closest printed material to you when you sit down to write your post, open it up (if it’s a book, flyer, etc.), close your eyes, and point. Whatever your finger lands on, use that as your prompt. Have fun!

Thanks Linda!

It’s Friday morning, earlier than I usually write my post for SoCSaturday. I’ve got a busy day getting ready for tomorrow’s artisan fair at my church. It’s a big deal to me. The forecast is for a lot of rain, but it’s an indoor event, so I hope they don’t cancel it. This afternoon will be clear skies, or at least not much chance for rain, so that will be good for the set up. I’ll share some more later about that if the stream takes me there.

So, sitting at the table which doubles as my desk, there is a pile of papers to my left. The one on top is a green piece of scrap paper that I’ve written notes on from one of my organizations – Northside Food Co-op. I live near the northside of town which is part of a large food desert that includes my neighborhood. We’re starting with a Saturday farmers market and the plan is to have an affordable grocery store in the area. I signed up to be on the community engagement committee. (This was after telling myself not to sign up for anything new.) Anyway, there was a zoom meeting and a guest who is a former resident of the northside. The young African American woman talked to the committee about growing up without regular access to food, the poverty of not knowing, watching her mother struggle, and some personal trauma that she experienced. I asked her what helped her get through these things, and she said she just did – she got through it. She shared a spiritual awakening as an adult that has given her enthusiasm to go back and help those in the old neighborhood.

I didn’t point with my eyes closed, because when I looked at the green piece of scrap paper trying to decipher my notes, I was pulled to the word, “gratitude” in the middle of the paper. The young woman who grew up on the northside said,

“I have a purpose. Gratitude is a big fire inside.”

That would make a nice one-liner for Wednesday. But here it is in the stream. A big fire inside makes me think of heartburn, so I don’t normally think that way. But for some people, a fire inside is a motivator for enthusiasm, a warm glow that gets things going. I could use some of that. I’m pretty busy right now, but I need more exercise as I get older. There is a tendency to want to be a couch potato which is okay sometimes. Good thing I have all these ideas that get me off the couch and nice weather of the autumnal kind to get me walking outside.

This morning David texted me that he has known me for 50 years. The party where we met in 1971 was on November 6th. That was so cool that he remembered, even if he remembered it a day early. He is the farthest thing from a couch potato. It’s interesting how partners compliment each other. I’m a night owl and he’s a morning person…….

I am filled with gratitude that God brought David back to me when the time was perfect. I’m also grateful that I have the flexibility in retirement to be busy, when ignited by the fire inside, or to sit on the couch and watch the Lord of the Rings or whatever I want to watch.

Here’s my favorite recent piece I’m taking to the artisan fair Saturday. I believe I already have a buyer!

“Blessing the Whales” ~ Acrylic on Wood Panel

Here are some other projects I’ve been working on for the artisan fair. David drilled holes in the mimosa cookies so they can be ornaments. We had to cut the mimosa way back when we had the roof redone. It grew back well.

• 

  Angel on Mimosa Cookie

• 

  Angel with Golden Dog – acrylic on canvas

• 

  Fun with shells – a work in progress

Maybe this is my way of thanking the angels for all these years of protection and nudges.

~~~

For more streams of consciousness, rules, etc. visit our host Linda Hill by clicking here.

One-Liner Wednesday: It Still Might Happen.

“Just because it didn’t happen then, doesn’t mean it will never happen.”

Monyay Paskalides

This goes with my “Trust the Timing” book title. Let’s apply it to good dreams coming true, answered prayers, and things working out for the best.

~~~

One-Liner Wednesday is hosted by Linda Hill every single Wednesday. For more one liners and guidelines, click here.

SoCS: Hope for the Best and Trust the Timing

Linda picked my favorite word for today’s prompt: HOPE!

If you can’t find faith, look for hope. Hope will lead you to faith.

About 15 years ago, I was afraid to hope. Romance was not working out for me at all, so I tried not to want a partner. I tried to become cynical about men. I decided to focus on myself and my daughter, friendship, and of course my most loyal companions, the dogs.

But hope snuck back in. I read about manifesting, and visualizing. Of course, this was AFTER I had worked on myself some. For five years, I hadn’t dated anyone beyond a coffee shop visit. No one interesting seemed interested in me. Now, I know that was all part of the plan created by God, the Universe, my guardian angels who were tired of my dating messes and lessons. They all knew I had work to do on me first.

At the same time I was working on me, licking my wounds, and finding my footing again, my high school sweetheart and long lost first love was doing the same – working on himself. We were becoming ready.

Have you seen my wild woman photo? It was taken around that time when I was working on me. My daughter and I had gone on a trip to the mountains. I love this photo.

It was comfortably dark in the forest, and I’m resisting the urge to edit this photo.

I see that I posted it back in 2013. Well, here it is again. I thought I was lonely, but I was finding myself. My authentic self. I’m guessing this was taken around 2006, but that’s just a guess.

Well, here we are in 2021. David and I are coming up on the ten year anniversary of our second first date which was July 15, 2011. We were so nervous and excited. He says he wasn’t looking for a relationship. I told my heart to calm down! But we both knew this was extra special. In October, the company he had worked for in Connecticut for 35 years told him it was time to retire. That spring he moved in with his 3 dogs to make our five pack. In December of 2012, we made it official. I know you’ve seen that photo before. But maybe the five pack one not as often.

David and I walking the five pack.

The five pack is gone now. They’ve all crossed over the rainbow bridge in the past ten years. I miss them and hope to see them in heaven. That’s more than a hope. Do I have faith that I’ll see my dogs in heaven? Yes. God knows how important this is to me.

Hope for the best. Prepare for the worst if it’s likely to happen, but don’t spend a lot of time on that. It’s like with tropical storms and hurricanes. We knew Elsa would not do as much damage as a big hurricane, so we didn’t spend much time preparing. Just a little.

We can strengthen ourselves for the difficult times as we hope for the best. Like my favorite quote goes:

I hope you are well and at peace as much as you can be. Enjoy the hopes that come your way. Nurture them and they will become exactly what they are meant to be when the time is right.

For more streams of hope, visit our host, Linda Hill at:

The Friday Reminder and Prompt for #SoCS July 10, 2021 | (lindaghill.com)