Anything is Possible!

With Faith, Hope and Perseverance


28 Comments

Love Letters From My Father

Dad with Baby mk and me (2)

 That’s me on the right, just in case you couldn’t tell.

After my father died, I found letters he’d written to me over the years and saved, like a journal, hidden in the old cabinet he used as an end table next to his recliner. I’m still processing the content of these letters. One of them is about why he didn’t come to my rescue when I wanted to come home from the college in the mountains.

This excerpt from my work in progress explains:

On my second day in Boone, before classes started, my roommate and I went to a pub not far from campus. I recognized Chris, a super brainy girl from my high school who’d already been at the college for a year. She waved to me and invited us to sit with her. My roommate saw some people she knew and went to sit with them. Chris made me feel welcome, and I started to feel comfortable with her. Maybe the beer helped. She asked me how I was doing.

“Well, I’m a little nervous,” I admitted.

“That’s normal. It’ll get better.”

“And I miss my boyfriend. I’m actually thinking of going back home.”

Chris looked thoughtful. “You know, you’ve got your whole life to go to college,” she said. “If you want to go home, it’s okay. It’s your decision.”

I was surprised by her response. I’d expected her to encourage me to stay. If this brainiac said it was okay to go home, then who was I to fight it any longer?

I called my parents and said I wanted to come home. Having just driven seven hours each way to bring me there a couple of days earlier, Dad refused to come get me. He didn’t say much, leading me to guess he was disgusted or at least disappointed.

Being stubborn, I managed to find another way home, but that’s another part of the story.

Fast forward to 43 years later when I read my Dad’s secret letters last week. One his letters revealed that the reason they didn’t come get me was because their old station wagon had a blow out on their trip home and left him “without a spare.” He wrote in Jan 2011: “Money was very short and, we had very little in the bank, and almost nothing on hand. I would have to have gotten permission from work…We also thought about what you were giving up….I have to admit my love for you was and still is a factor. After we made our decision not to come up, we went to bed, but I don’t think either one of us slept that night. The decision bothered us for years and we talked about it for even more years, even after you were married….I still felt guilty.”

I had no idea that money was a problem back then! I figured it was all about not wanting to bail me out when I should have stayed. I thought it was just because he was mad at me. I’ve carried that shame for years. And all this time, HE felt guilty for not coming to get me. I knew my parents loved me, but I didn’t know how much until I read these letters full of love.

Ive always wanted my father to be proud of me, even when I resented him. Even when I didn’t like his conservative beliefs. Even when I avoided him. I still, deep down, wanted him to be proud of me.

And what I’m finding out from his secret love letters is that he was.

love letters from dad (2)

Some things are worth waiting for. For a chance to win a free, signed copy of When God Says Wait, sign up for my monthly newsletter before March 21st by clicking the box on the side bar to the right, or just click here: http://eepurl.com/ch52KT


18 Comments

Mercy, maybe it’s not too late.

Thank you to Barb for today’s  Just Jot It January prompt: Mercy. I needed it and still do.

For most of the morning, I felt irritated. I’m not a judgmental person by nature, but I found myself judging, mostly to myself, about various things that are unimportant in the big picture. Maybe it was because I stayed up too late on the computer, again. Or maybe it was the remnants of hormonal fluctuations or eating too much sugar, too likely suspects who take turns getting the blame for moods that don’t seem to belong to me.

At church, the word “mercy” kept jumping out at me from the bulletin, the prayers, the sermon, and I knew “mercy” was today’s prompt. Mercy, Mercy, Me. Jesus knew I needed mercy and help being merciful. So I wasn’t surprised at all when I messed up while singing with the choir, because I wasn’t paying attention being busy with all this thinking about why was I so irritated. It was a minor mess up which will be soon forgotten. But it made me laugh at myself, again.

So here’s my peace offering. Maybe it’s not too late.

 

Have mercy for the birds and mercy for the bees,

Mercy for the whales and mercy for the trees,

Mercy for the animals who want to be free,

Mercy for my enemies and mercy for me.

 

Have mercy for this planet- a gift so rare,

Mercy for the hungry who need a share,

Mercy for the lost who just don’t care,

Mercy for the hope that helps us dare.

 

Have mercy for leaders old and gray,

Mercy for dreamers looking for a way,

Mercy for teachers without much pay,

Mercy for children who bring a new day.

 

 

Just Jot it January is hosted by Linda at:

https://lindaghill.com/2017/01/15/jusjojan-daily-prompt-jan-15th17/

Thanks to Shan Jeniah for filling in for Linda today.

The rules for Just Jot It January are as follows:

1. It’s never too late to join in! Here, we run on the honour system; the “jot it” part of JusJoJan means that anything you jot down, anywhere (it doesn’t have to be a post, it can even be a grocery list) counts as a “Jot.” If it makes it to your blog that day, great! If it waits a week to get from a sticky note to your screen, no problem!

2. The prompts will be posted every day at 2am my time (GMT -5). You don’t have to follow the prompt word, but this will be where you leave your link for others to see. Make sure you link your post to the correct day’s prompt. There will be a post like this every day except Wednesday, when the prompt is simply my One-Liner Wednesday, and Saturday, when you’ll find the prompt on my usual Friday Reminder post for Stream of Consciousness Saturday (SoCS).

3. As long as your blog is on WordPress, you’ll be able to link via pingback. To execute a pingback, just copy the URL from the daily prompt post, and paste it anywhere in your post. Check to make sure your link shows up where you want it to, and go back occasionally to see other bloggers’ entries – the more you visit others, the more they’ll visit you! If you’re participating from another blogging host, just drop a link into the comment section. Note: The newest pingbacks and comments will be at the top.

4. Tag your post JusJoJan and/or #JusJoJan.

5. Write anything! Any length will do! It can even be a photo or a drawing – you’re going to title it, right? There’s your jot!

6. The prompts are here both to remind you and to inspire you to write. However, you don’t have to use the prompt word of the day. You can link any kind of jot back here. Even your shopping list. Note: If it’s 18+ content, please say so in a comment with your link.

7. If you’d like to, use the JusJoJan badge (above) in your post so that others can find your post more easily.

8. Have fun!

If you’d like to look ahead to see the upcoming prompt words, click this link: https://lindaghill.com/2016/12/31/just-jot-it-january-2017-rules/ You can always write your post ahead of time and schedule it to come out on the appropriate day.


11 Comments

Tangible Healing

broken-heart-from-pixabay

It was 16 years ago. The emotional pain was tangible. Like the bottom fell out of my stomach and my head was somewhere far away.

I had believed that “to death do us part” meant that we would grow old together, and travel out west chasing the sunsets.

I was willing to work on it, to do my part, be more attentive, go on vacations, whatever.

But it was too late.

They said it was just acid-reflux that made my chest feel so tight, like a fist closing around my heart.

So I had to learn to take slow deep breaths in between the sobs in the hallway sitting on the hardwood floor when the kids had gone to their dad’s new place.

It took time for the pain to subside into mere sadness. Then there were the cover-up rebounds. The first one a disaster, the second better, but stressful and not a good fit. But at least I was  making progress.

Finally, I learned to work on me, and to trust that God had a plan.

Now, my heart sings a new song, better than any song I could have imagined.

Now, the joy is tangible like the ocean waves  caressing my skin, like a cool breeze on a warm day, or a warm blanket on a cold night.

healing

I painted this during the cover-up rebounds.

(The broken heart at the top is from pixabay)

This post was written in response to the Just Jot it January prompt: “tangible,” provided by Prajakta at https://anarmchairperfectionist.wordpress.com/

This post is also for TS.

Except for the last two lines, it summarizes Chapter 13 of my Work in Progress.

 

just-jot-january

The rules for Just Jot It January are as follows:

1. It’s never too late to join in! Here, we run on the honour system; the “jot it” part of JusJoJan means that anything you jot down, anywhere (it doesn’t have to be a post, it can even be a grocery list) counts as a “Jot.” If it makes it to your blog that day, great! If it waits a week to get from a sticky note to your screen, no problem!

2. The prompts will be posted every day at 2am my time (GMT -5). You don’t have to follow the prompt word, but this will be where you leave your link for others to see. Make sure you link your post to the correct day’s prompt. There will be a post like this every day except Wednesday, when the prompt is simply my One-Liner Wednesday, and Saturday, when you’ll find the prompt on my usual Friday Reminder post for Stream of Consciousness Saturday (SoCS).

3. As long as your blog is on WordPress, you’ll be able to link via pingback. To execute a pingback, just copy the URL from the daily prompt post, and paste it anywhere in your post. Check to make sure your link shows up where you want it to, and go back occasionally to see other bloggers’ entries – the more you visit others, the more they’ll visit you! If you’re participating from another blogging host, just drop a link into the comment section. Note: The newest pingbacks and comments will be at the top.

4. Tag your post JusJoJan and/or #JusJoJan.

5. Write anything! Any length will do! It can even be a photo or a drawing – you’re going to title it, right? There’s your jot!

6. The prompts are here both to remind you and to inspire you to write. However, you don’t have to use the prompt word of the day. You can link any kind of jot back here. Even your shopping list. Note: If it’s 18+ content, please say so in a comment with your link.

7. If you’d like to, use the JusJoJan badge (above) in your post so that others can find your post more easily.

8. Have fun!

If you’d like to look ahead to see the upcoming prompt words, click this link: https://lindaghill.com/2016/12/31/just-jot-it-january-2017-rules/ You can always write your post ahead of time and schedule it to come out on the appropriate day.

 

 


19 Comments

Opening Doors

doorway-to-the-ocean-from-pixabay

It had been a year or more since my last acupuncture session. It gives me good energy and made a headache go away once, but nothing especially dramatic. In October, I ran into the healer at a potluck. I’ve known her for years as a casual friend but had never had an acupuncture session with her until last week – after my body told me to make an appointment. But this was not a typical session. I must have been ready. The time was right. This was my experience:

November 10, 2016,

two days after the sky fell,

Interrupted cries still lingered in my solar plexus

like mucus bogging down muffled screams

waiting to be flushed free.

Then the drunk guy threw a key at me

when I was only trying to help.

Who needs this?

But that cop wasn’t following  me after all

as I pulled into the space

to visit the healer with magic hands

and the skill to find the stuck places.

She began with my old friend,

Lavender,

to settle my nerves.

The first needle only hurt for a moment

as the door opened and sparks flew.

The others didn’t hurt at all.

When qi started to flow,

I almost giggled

then followed her humming

with my own breath –

Inhale, sooooew. Exhale, Haaaaaah,

like the song of the ocean.

Cardamom opened the doors wider.

Right after I turned over onto my back

is when it happened.

My cold hands finally got warm.

Then, I started to cry. And laugh. And cry.

Mama. Mama? Mama!

Is it really you?

Hold me, Mama.

My fingers can’t reach you!

Daddy is hurting. He misses you so much.

You want me to tell him you’re okay?

Mama’s okay, Daddy.

She’s okay.

Tears.

But wait.

Am I supposed to be

learning how to talk to other ghosts?

Or just my own?

Sandalwood brought me back.

Shaking, I drank from the cup of water

and called my father to give him the message

he already knew.

_________________________________________

My mother died November 14, 2008. She collected angels. Dozens of them still decorate my father’s house. He hasn’t moved any of them. And he won’t move out of that house because he feels her presence there.

angels-among-us

Angels Among Us, a mural by JoAnne Silvia


4 Comments

Contact Highs, Trauma, and Recovery: Addiction Conference Highlights

socsbadge2016-17

Can a person show up positive for marijuana on a drug screen just by being in the same room with people smoking the weed?

The opening speaker at Wednesday’s addiction professionals conference says no. But he wasn’t clear on the cutoff levels/sensitivity of the test used in the study. I believe it’s possible, though the smoke would have to be pretty darn thick. After all, people have been know to get a contact buzz from being in the same room with someone smoking, right? Of course, It’s been a very long time…..

I did get a natural high with my high school girlfriends during our reunion last month. I was the only one not drinking, but I laughed, giggled and almost choked on my own silliness, all drug and alcohol free, which was my goal. I also won the trivia game which I like to think I won because I remember stuff I studied in high school, and I am smart in some things, not just because I was the only one sober.

But back to the conference that finished up yesterday. Our closing speaker was Austin Eubanks, an injured survivor from the Columbine shooting. His story was moving and powerful. I even got teary-eyed when he told us about how his best friend was killed in the library. It turns out that Austin became addicted to pain pills which were easily accessible after the Columbine trauma because he was shot in the hand and the knee. But he got more pain meds than he needed and used them (without realizing it) to numb the emotional pain of the trauma.

Austin was clear that he does not want to prevent anyone from getting the medication they need, but he also said that it would have been better for his doctors to realize he was using pain pills to cover up the emotional trauma which took him years to process starting in a therapeutic community on his third treatment episode. One way to minimize that risk, is for doctors to screen people coming in for acute physical pain to find out if there is also emotional trauma they might be trying to avoid. Recovery is about learning how to cope with challenges with support but not with illicit drugs. It’s way complicated. But one of the best things is that Austin encouraged those in recovery to look closer at the issue of anonymity. A person should not publicly reveal membership in a specific 12 step program, but Austin said that if you’re in recovery, be “loud and proud” about it.

Kids and Adults need to know that it’s okay to choose not to drink or drug, and that there is support for working through trauma. Recovery is not easy, but worth it in the long run.

Today’s Stream of Consciousness Prompt was the word, “screen,” brought to you by Linda HIll at:

The Friday Reminder and Prompt for #SoCS Oct. 15/16

Here are the rules:

1. Your post must be stream of consciousness writing, meaning no editing, (typos can be fixed) and minimal planning on what you’re going to write.

2. Your post can be as long or as short as you want it to be. One sentence – one thousand words. Fact, fiction, poetry – it doesn’t matter. Just let the words carry you along until you’re ready to stop.

3. There will be a prompt every week. I will post the prompt here on my blog on Friday, along with a reminder for you to join in. The prompt will be one random thing, but it will not be a subject. For instance, I will not say “Write about dogs”; the prompt will be more like, “Make your first sentence a question,” “Begin with the word ‘The’,” or simply a single word to get your started.

4. Ping back! It’s important, so that I and other people can come and read your post! For example, in your post you can write “This post is part of SoCS:” and then copy and paste the URL found in your address bar at the top of this post into yours.  Your link will show up in my comments for everyone to see. The most recent pingbacks will be found at the top. NOTE: Pingbacks only work from WordPress sites. If you’re self-hosted or are participating from another host, such as Blogger, please leave a link to your post in the comments below.

5. Read at least one other person’s blog who has linked back their post. Even better, read everyone’s! If you’re the first person to link back, you can check back later, or go to the previous week, by following my category, “Stream of Consciousness Saturday,” which you’ll find right below the “Like” button on my post.

6. Copy and paste the rules (if you’d like to) in your post. The more people who join in, the more new bloggers you’ll meet and the bigger your community will get!

7. As a suggestion, tag your post “SoCS” and/or “#SoCS” for more exposure and more views.

8. Have fun!


12 Comments

Drawn to Water

IMG_2942

…its haunting melodies often spark the remembrance of a vague “water” memory, perhaps a nebulous recollection of my wet beginning that lingers somewhere in memory’s oldest and deepest recesses.

                                                               Natalie Scarberry, Sacred Touches

The euphoric effect of swimming or floating in water has often made me wonder about that “vague water memory.” I always miss being weightless in that element when winter comes. But living in the present of summer, I realize how gloriously addictive swimming can be.

When weather permits, I swim in the ocean. Her waves dance with me and caress my skin. Every now and then, she can get a little rough in her play, just to show me who’s boss, and I laugh at her and myself when she puts me in my place. I have to respect her power.

Sometimes I swim with a friend who has a pool at her apartment complex. We talk to catch up for the first thirty minutes or so, and then we get more into moving in the water. With each laid back breast stroke, I watch the soft ripples billow out before me. I glide through cool liquid that washes away every worry. I am free.

You’d think with my love for water, I’d be a water sign. But I was born in mid December, so my sign is Sagittarius, a fire sign. I can only guess that water keeps the fire from overwhelming me. Water soothes my soul. No wonder blue is my favorite color. Except when my favorite color is green.

I missed the pool and the ocean last week as I’ve been dealing with a rare head cold and heeding my body’s message to rest. I’m drinking as much water as I can, and I am ready to be well.

Water heals us,

Cleanses us.

We are made mostly of water.

Our continents are joined by water.

Let healing waters flow

Through our bodies

Reviving our spirits.

Blue Blue

 

(I’m posting a little earlier than usual this week, because I’ve got some busy days ahead.  Have a great week, everyone!)


3 Comments

The Girl on the Right

“It’s never too late to have a happy childhood.”

Regardless of the past, it is possible to embrace our free spirits, to have faith and trust our playfulness, to have more and more moments of joy!

Loving Me, Too

Be the girl on the right

For most of my life, I’ve felt like the girl in the middle – watching, worrying, and wondering if I can do that, and if I can do it the right way. If I had ever taken ballet, I would definitely have been her, because learning choreographed dance moves has always been hard for me. It took me years and extra practice to even learn the simple Electric Slide. Once I learn it, I have it down pretty good, though.

Let me go practice that slide, to make sure……. Well, I might need a refresher.

Occasionally, I’ve been like the girl in between the middle girl (the old me) and the girl on the right, the one who is doing it correctly. I love the approval I get when I’m a “good girl.”

But I’ve rarely been the girl on the right. Oh, I’ve thought about it, imagined doing things…

View original post 149 more words