“The Suicide Note” at Manifesto Amelioration reminded me that I thought about suicide when I was 20 years old.
It was in the late 70s, after high school when my codependency emerged full force. The guy I’d been dating was not a good fit. But I didn’t get it. Depressed, I dropped out of college, worked in nowhere jobs, and drank more I should have.
I had no active suicide plan, just thoughts about leaving work at the pizza place where I washed dishes with tears dripping into the sink, and walking in front of a truck. I thought about it more than once. Because my stupid boyfriend didn’t love me anymore, and life wasn’t working out at all like I planned.
What stopped me was that I didn’t want to hurt my parents. My little sister had been killed by a drunk driver less than two years earlier. The night she died, my father, the strongest man I’ve ever known, sat in his chair shaking his head and holding a cigarette for the first time in years. I felt his agony. Even then, I knew that losing one child was a horrible burden for any parent to bear. I would not add to their pain.
I didn’t know how hard my parents were praying for me when I was 20. And that angels were watching over me, sometimes peeking though their fingers, shaking their heads in disbelief as I meandered along the edge of sanity. I did not walk in front of any trucks, but I did put myself in some risky situations.
Thank you, angels.
Putting one wobbly, angel nudged foot in front of the other, I got over the boyfriend who was never a good fit. I had other boyfriends. I got married, graduated from college, and had two children. There was more heartbreak, but there were joys, too. Big joys. And lots of lessons. Today, my life is better than I could have ever imagined.
My point is that when I was 20 years old and thought about suicide, I didn’t know that the best years of my life were waiting for me.
Hope is always with us, waiting patiently. It gets better.
1-800-273-8255
Suicide Prevention Lifeline
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
It ain’t over yet.
(The angel photo is from pixabay.)
November 16, 2017 at 11:43 am
We’re also fortunate that you came through this OK.
November 16, 2017 at 3:52 pm
Aw. Thank you, Linda. I appreciate so many things, including you.
November 16, 2017 at 12:32 pm
I am so pleased you did not step in front of a truck too JoAnna, Its often hard during those teenage years when emotions run high and we feel vulnerable.
There seems such a lot of pressure on our young folk today, and I do not know about the USA but here in the UK Suicide is up especially in the teens and early 20’s
So its important to have that life line in which to reach out and have some one listen.
Thank you for your courage in sharing this, And I also have had those same thoughts run through my mind in my youth. And once in later years. Like you, the best years were waiting.. 🙂
Sending Huge hugs your way 🙂
November 16, 2017 at 4:00 pm
When the pain is intense and we don’t know what to do, wanting to die can come up, especially when we are younger and don’t have as many skills or experience to know we can get through challenges. But when we push through, one step at a time, we learn we are stronger than we thought. Thank you for sharing your experience. I’m glad we’re still here! Hugs to you, my friend. <3.
November 18, 2017 at 8:07 am
:Likewise, JoAnna.. We still have much to do and missions to complete xxx 🙂
November 16, 2017 at 12:57 pm
Hopeful post, keep spreading hope 🙂 xx
November 16, 2017 at 9:09 pm
Thank you! Will do. xx
November 16, 2017 at 1:20 pm
I appreciate that you wrote this story, thank you for sharing.
November 16, 2017 at 9:15 pm
Thank you, Maggie. When I read Gary’s post, the memories came back to me. I felt compelled to share the perspective.
November 16, 2017 at 5:30 pm
Thanks! Great post. Life saver. Hugs
November 16, 2017 at 9:16 pm
Oh, thank you for saying so, Anna. I’m honored. Hugs.
November 16, 2017 at 9:29 pm
Thank you for sharing this, JoAnna–and I am so sorry about your sister. I can’t imagine how hard that was for your parents. So glad you thought of them and their pain when you were going through such a hard time yourself.
November 16, 2017 at 9:38 pm
Thanks, Sandi. It was a long time ago, but some parts remain clear. I’m glad I thought of them, too. ❤
November 16, 2017 at 10:59 pm
Thanks for sharing this tender moment, as well as what your family had already lost. I’m glad you’re here. Good things are always coming 🙂
November 16, 2017 at 11:19 pm
Always. Thanks, Joey. 🙂
November 17, 2017 at 12:14 am
They say that the best thing in life are never free. Meaning I suppose, that we often pay a dear mental and emotional price that is sometimes physical as well. It seems we have to suffer a lot. I know that I did but here I am decades later . I am convinced that some of us have guardian angels. I know that I did. I had many close calls of losing my life, You are living proof of a guardian angel. I know that y0u are grateful.
November 17, 2017 at 2:34 pm
I’m believing more and more in angels lately. 🙂 At least we learn how to cope with life better and enjoy the simple things as we get older and wiser. May your angels lighten all your burdens.
November 17, 2017 at 8:30 am
Really like this song. Thanks for your honesty and openness. I’m glad you have a link to a hotline too.
November 17, 2017 at 2:36 pm
I like to imagine sending that song back in time to myself. Glad you liked it so much, Scott.
November 17, 2017 at 9:15 am
Thank you for sharing your story. And I appreciate you for being that strong. Good for you that you didn’t walk in front of the truck. I had a cousin who committed suicide at the age of 15. He died young. Upon reading your story I suddenly remembered him and if only he was as strong as you then he could have live the life he wanted.
November 17, 2017 at 2:38 pm
I’m so sorry about your cousin. I know it was hard for everyone. He must have been in a lot of pain. I hope there are some good memories of him. Thank you for sharing this, Roxancena.
November 17, 2017 at 8:57 pm
Thank you for taking time to reply Ma’am JoAnna. The family have learned to move on already. I think that was 14 years ago and I always believe that time heals all wounds. Have a nice day there!
November 17, 2017 at 1:08 pm
I’m happy you stuck
with this difficult road
of human existence
where suffering
seems guaranteed,
moreso than joy 🙂
November 17, 2017 at 2:40 pm
Thanks, David. I’m finding the suffering and joy are balancing out now. We never know which one lies ahead, but we can grow from either one.
November 19, 2017 at 7:25 am
Thankful you had the courage to continue your God given life’s journey. Thankful you shared your walking through the valley of despair and emerging from the experience.
November 19, 2017 at 7:17 pm
Thankful for emerging and growing steadily in strength, feeling God’s never-ending love. Thankful for you, Sidni.
November 19, 2017 at 7:12 pm
I’m also glad the truck never got you. We think we know do much st 20 and we really don’t know anything. So happy you have a wonderful life now. I feel you are a kindred spirit.
November 19, 2017 at 7:22 pm
Yep. I feel that, too.
November 20, 2017 at 7:03 pm
Putting one wobbly, angel nudged foot in front of the other…I love this💕
November 20, 2017 at 8:58 pm
Thank you, Jami. I think the angels helped me with that one. 😉
December 3, 2017 at 2:19 pm
I praise God for getting you through that difficult time in your life. I can relate. Thank God also for your praying parents!
December 3, 2017 at 10:41 pm
I had no idea at the time how powerful prayer could be. Now, I depend on it. Thanks for your support!
December 4, 2017 at 7:13 am
I depend upon it too. So important for us to pray and to pray for one another. I believe most people don’t realize how critical their prayers for others can be. Prayers and blessings of parents are invaluable. What you’ve shared is so important!
December 4, 2017 at 9:30 pm
Thank you. ❤