
That’s me on the right, just in case you couldn’t tell.
After my father died, I found letters he’d written to me over the years and saved, like a journal, hidden in the old cabinet he used as an end table next to his recliner. I’m still processing the content of these letters. One of them is about why he didn’t come to my rescue when I wanted to come home from the college in the mountains.
This excerpt from my work in progress explains:
On my second day in Boone, before classes started, my roommate and I went to a pub not far from campus. I recognized Chris, a super brainy girl from my high school who’d already been at the college for a year. She waved to me and invited us to sit with her. My roommate saw some people she knew and went to sit with them. Chris made me feel welcome, and I started to feel comfortable with her. Maybe the beer helped. She asked me how I was doing.
“Well, I’m a little nervous,” I admitted.
“That’s normal. It’ll get better.”
“And I miss my boyfriend. I’m actually thinking of going back home.”
Chris looked thoughtful. “You know, you’ve got your whole life to go to college,” she said. “If you want to go home, it’s okay. It’s your decision.”
I was surprised by her response. I’d expected her to encourage me to stay. If this brainiac said it was okay to go home, then who was I to fight it any longer?
I called my parents and said I wanted to come home. Having just driven seven hours each way to bring me there a couple of days earlier, Dad refused to come get me. He didn’t say much, leading me to guess he was disgusted or at least disappointed.
Being stubborn, I managed to find another way home, but that’s another part of the story.
Fast forward to 43 years later when I read my Dad’s secret letters last week. One his letters revealed that the reason they didn’t come get me was because their old station wagon had a blow out on their trip home and left him “without a spare.” He wrote in Jan 2011: “Money was very short and, we had very little in the bank, and almost nothing on hand. I would have to have gotten permission from work…We also thought about what you were giving up….I have to admit my love for you was and still is a factor. After we made our decision not to come up, we went to bed, but I don’t think either one of us slept that night. The decision bothered us for years and we talked about it for even more years, even after you were married….I still felt guilty.”
I had no idea that money was a problem back then! I figured it was all about not wanting to bail me out when I should have stayed. I thought it was just because he was mad at me. I’ve carried that shame for years. And all this time, HE felt guilty for not coming to get me. I knew my parents loved me, but I didn’t know how much until I read these letters full of love.
Ive always wanted my father to be proud of me, even when I resented him. Even when I didn’t like his conservative beliefs. Even when I avoided him. I still, deep down, wanted him to be proud of me.
And what I’m finding out from his secret love letters is that he was.
…
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March 16, 2017 at 9:33 pm
What a beautiful thing, to have such letter in existence and then to get to read them! 🙂
March 17, 2017 at 3:49 am
Yes. I’m very grateful. It was like finding buried treasure that I wasn’t even looking for!
March 16, 2017 at 9:59 pm
Your father was a dear man.
March 17, 2017 at 3:50 am
I’m still learning just how dear he was. ❤
March 17, 2017 at 12:40 am
And you were not supposed to find out until you did, curious how those things happen
March 17, 2017 at 3:54 am
Wonderfully curious! The letters were well hidden, and I could have easily missed them, if I had not been looking for something else. I asked him to help me find a particular document, but he wanted me to find these letters first. I found the other document on my next visit to his house.
March 17, 2017 at 3:55 am
🙏🏻💐
March 17, 2017 at 2:30 am
How beautiful. Treasure these letters always.
March 17, 2017 at 3:55 am
Oh, I will! Which reminds me that I need to find a special place for them. Thank you.
March 17, 2017 at 3:01 am
What an incredible gift for you, dear JoAnna!! I can only imagine how powerful the love you feel emanating from these letters. I am so happy for you. And these letters prove a point that has been very upfront for me lately…that you never know what is going on in another’s life and to judge them like we do know is a huge mistake. Much love my friend. Take your time digesting this information. ♡♡
March 17, 2017 at 3:57 am
Thank you, Lorrie. ❤ I'm happy to add evidence to your valuable point which I hope to remember. ❤
March 17, 2017 at 3:16 am
Beautiful words…his and yours.
March 17, 2017 at 6:21 am
Thank you.
March 17, 2017 at 7:42 am
That’s just so very cool and sweet. I would love to have found such treasures! Enjoy! 🙂 ❤
March 17, 2017 at 8:14 am
Thanks, Natalie. The first time I read them was hard. but re-reading this part today for my blog post, I did start to enjoy. I think I’ll enjoy his letters more each time I read them.. Treasure your memories, my friend. ❤ 🙂
March 17, 2017 at 9:32 am
My dad died when I was 18 and so the memories I have ate so precious but I never really got to know and talk to him about so many things I would like to have asked him about. So you are very fortunate in many ways my friend❣️😘
March 18, 2017 at 5:38 am
I’m sorry you didn’t get more time with him. Thank you for helping me see. ❤
March 18, 2017 at 10:32 am
You’re welcome dear JoAnna❣️😘
March 17, 2017 at 3:27 pm
Truely a blessing and a treasure. God has a way of letting the sun burst through the clouds at the right time, not a millisecond sooner or later. How fortunate are you to get such clarity as to how much the father who loved you really did.
March 17, 2017 at 4:50 pm
Thank you, Tom, for this comforting insight. God does have a way with perfect timing!
March 18, 2017 at 1:17 pm
You could probably compile them all and publish a book. How wonderful.
March 18, 2017 at 6:45 pm
All kinds of possibilities here. Thank you for that idea!
March 18, 2017 at 10:46 pm
What a lovely treasure to you! A rare treat I am sure since not many men will put those thoughts in writing. My daddy was a blessing to me in almost every way, but he would never have written a letter. Mom always did that. God must have prepared him for your blessing in the future.
March 19, 2017 at 8:46 am
God sure did a lot of work with my dad and had good material to work with, too. Mom wrote most of the letters before she died, then Dad took over. Thank you for honoring him.
March 21, 2017 at 1:51 pm
There is no way to quantify the emotions you must carry going through these letters. Cherish them and you are so lucky to have these!!
March 21, 2017 at 1:40 pm
Thank you, Praj. You’re right about no way to quantify. I will cherish them forever. You know, there’s something about putting things in writing. 😉
March 21, 2017 at 4:18 pm
Very happy that you got to see the full circle on this. Very lovey thoughtful post.
March 21, 2017 at 1:41 pm
Thank you, Deborah.